Imposter Syndrome - Dare to Not Compare
Recently on a Clubhouse chat, a participant brought up how she was struggling with imposter syndrome.
For those of you not familiar with that term, it basically means that at any time someone is going to figure out that you don’t know what you are doing and call you out on it. Yikes!
Dr. Brene Brown, renowned shame researcher, defines shame as “the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing we are flawed and therefore unworthy of acceptance and belonging.”
It seems clear to me that imposter syndrome is based in shame.
Brown explains that feelings of shame can quietly marinate over a lifetime. “Here’s the bottom line with shame,” she says. “The less you talk about it, the more you got it. Shame needs three things to grow exponentially in our lives: secrecy, silence, and judgment.”
But who defines whether I’m flawed? As compared to what, or more appropriately, whom?
This happened to me just this week. I was comparing myself to someone who has been doing what I aspire to do for 30 years! How crazy is that? Of course, I wouldn’t be as proficient at it as she is, but that didn’t stop me from feelings of inadequacy.
Unfortunately, social media doesn’t help. When we look at other people’s profiles all we see are the highlights, what seems like a series of peak experiences. While in our own lives we are well aware of the many valleys. So, it looks like everyone else is having a great time and accomplishing so much while we are just wasting time.
We have heard well-known celebrities and other prominent individuals speak of imposter syndrome.
so doesn’t that help us embrace our own?
Dr. Katherine Hawley, Ph.D. states, “Not always. One’s first response to learning about impostor syndrome is to think, ‘How interesting! So many talented people who mistakenly believe they are impostors! And then there’s me, a genuine impostor.’ Someone with engrained self-doubts will not easily recognize those doubts as misplaced, even once she can spot impostor syndrome in other people. Self-diagnosis requires us to somehow believe that we are inadequate and at the same time reject that belief as mistaken; to think of ourselves as fraudulent, and yet recognize that truly we are not.”
The antidote, Brown says, is empathy. She explains that by talking about your shame with a friend who expresses empathy, the painful feeling cannot survive. “Shame depends on me buying into the belief that I’m alone,” she says.
“Shame cannot survive being spoken,” Brown says. “It cannot survive empathy.”
So, kudos to the individual on Clubhouse who called herself out and identified with her own imposter syndrome. Know that you are not alone, most of us are having, or have had those same feelings from time to time. Surrounding yourself with empathetic souls and shining a light on our feelings of being a fraud and feeling inadequate is the cure.
Oh yeah, and stop comparing yourself to others! It’s easy to support others when you realize you are your only competition.